


Glitter and Doom

by Bittercape (bittercape)



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Bureaucracy, Fluff, Gen, Glaive, Glitter, Licking, Office Shenanigans, Screenplay/Script Format, Valentine's Day, Wings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-20
Updated: 2020-01-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:06:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22336009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bittercape/pseuds/Bittercape
Comments: 18
Kudos: 49
Collections: The Fluff Archives





	Glitter and Doom

PARTS (in order of appearance):  
ELIAS BOUCHARD  
TIM STOKER  
MARTIN BLACKWOOD

\---

INT. REASONABLY SIZED OFFICE

[SOUNDS OF SOFT TAPPING ON A KEYBOARD]  
[PHONE RINGING AND BEING PICKED UP]

ELIAS  
Bouchard.

[INDISTINCT FEMALE VOICE ON THE OTHER END OF THE LINE, TALKING RAPIDLY]

ELIAS  
Yes, I am aware of the date. I fail to … 

[PAUSE, WHILE VOICE KEEPS TALKING] 

ELIAS  
Yes, but … 

[ANOTHER PAUSE] 

ELIAS  
(exasperatedly) Rosie, I don’t see the need for …

[INDISTINCT VOICE LOWERS IN PITCH AND TEMPO]

ELIAS  
(clearly resigning himself to his fate) Yes, yes, that’s fine. If you feel it’s necessary …

[INDISTINCT VOICE IS AGAIN HIGHER PITCHED]

ELIAS  
(disbelieving) You what? Tim? Surely that can’t be …

[INDISTINCT VOICE LOWERS IN PITCH AND TEMPO]

ELIAS  
Yes, fine. Fine. I’ll talk to him.

[CLICK OF PHONE BEING HUNG UP]

[VAGUE SOUNDS OF BUREAUCRATIC FACEPALMING]

[PHONE IS PICKED UP AGAIN, SOUND OF NUMBERS BEING PUSHED VIOLENTLY, INDISTINCT RINGING NOISE]

ELIAS  
Tim. Please see me in my office immediately. Thank you.

[CLICK OF PHONE BEING HUNG UP]

[SOUNDS OF SOFT TAPPING ON A KEYBOARD]

[DOOR OPENING ABRUPTLY]

TIM  
(out of breath, but cheerful) Yes, boss? You wanted to see me?

ELIAS  
Yes. We are approaching mid-February, and Rosie appears to have watched too many American films lately. She wants us to arrange a (with distaste) Valentine’s card exchange. 

TIM  
(delightedly) Oh! That sounds like fun! 

ELIAS  
(dry as the paper in the oldest filing cabinet in the archive) Quite.

TIM  
(expectantly) And?

ELIAS  
Well. Obviously I have neither the time nor the inclination to organise this, and you seem to enjoy this kind of thing.

TIM  
(delighted like a puppy with a sausage) I do! What would you like me to do?

ELIAS  
That’s entirely up to you. You may have a small budget for any expenses, cards or glitter or glue or what have you. 

TIM  
Okay boss! This will be the best Valentine’s day in the Magnus Archives ever!

[EXCITED SKIPPING STEPS, DOOR CLOSING WITH A SLAM]

ELIAS  
(murmuring] This will be the only Valentine’s celebration in the Magnus Archives ever, if I have any say in the matter.

[SOUNDS OF AGGRESSIVE TAPPING ON A KEYBOARD]

\---

INT. THE SAME OFFICE

[THROUGH MAGICAL AUDIO MEANS WE ARE MADE AWARE OF TIME PASSING AND IT BEING THE NEXT DAY]

[TIMID KNOCKING ON DOOR]

ELIAS  
Yes?

[EXTENDED SILENCE]

ELIAS  
(sighs) Come in, Martin.

[DOOR OPENS SOFTLY, MARTIN ENTERS SOFTLY, DOOR CLOSES SOFTLY]

ELIAS  
What is it, Martin?

MARTIN  
Er … I don’t want to make any trouble. It’s just … er. (mumbles vaguely)

ELIAS  
(impatiently) Come on, Martin. What is the problem?

MARTIN  
(hesitantly) There’s … ehm, there’s glitter. Everywhere. (increasingly more annoyed) I’m fine with the paper cuttings and the glue and the singing, but …

ELIAS  
(interrupting) Singing? No, never mind. Do continue.

MARTIN  
(once again hesitantly) Well, there was the glitter that somehow ended up in the tea tin.   
(mournfully) And it got in the tea I made for Jon, and he didn’t enjoy that. And then there was a pile of pink glitter on that weird table in artifact storage. But when I went to pick up my boots, you see they got wet this morning and I left them to dry by the break room and … anyway.   
(annoyed, once again) My boots are full of glitter, and it seems to have fused to the insides, and I’m not sure how to get it out, and …

ELIAS  
(interrupting again, this time more exasperated) Fine. You can get a new pair of boots and file for expenses. Use form 237-12B, please, Property Destroyed in the Line of Duty. Was that all?

MARTIN  
(clearly surprised by this development) Erm … yes? Good? Thank you.

[DOOR OPENING SOFTLY]

ELIAS  
Martin.

MARTIN  
Yes?

ELIAS  
Please ask Tim to come see me at his earliest opportunity.

MARTIN  
(with a gleeful note) Sure, yes. Right away.

[DOOR CLOSES SOFTLY]

[EXTENDED SOUNDS OF BUREAUCRATIC FACEPALMING, FOLLOWED BY SOUNDS OF TAPPING ON A KEYBOARD]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR THAT MANAGES TO BE DELIGHTED BY THE WORLD IN GENERAL]

ELIAS  
(sighing) Come in, Tim.

TIM  
(giving the distinct impression of talking with a hot potato in his mouth) Hi boss! You wanted to see me?

ELIAS  
(regretting asking before he has even started) What. Is wrong. With your mouth.

TIM  
(still with the hot potato) Oh! I thought I’d get into the spirit of the thing, you know? 

[VAGUELY DISTURBED NOISES INDICATING ELIAS DOES NOT KNOW]

TIM  
(continued hot potato) So I pierced my tongue! As a treat for my valentine, whoever they might be!  
(hot potato replaced with tongue disturbingly far out of mouth) Want to see? It’s pretty neat!

[CLEARLY DISTURBED NOISES INDICATING ELIAS DID NOT, IN FACT, WANT TO SEE]

TIM  
(indistinctly, due to extended tongue) See, it’s got a little heart on it!  
(the hot potato is back) Anyway, there’s a bit of swelling, but that’s nothing compared to the time I got my Prince Alb… 

ELIAS  
(interrupting, hastily) Yes, thank you. Would you like to explain how there came to be glitter in artifact storage and in Martin’s boots?

TIM  
(hot potato in place) Not … really?

[THE SILENCE OF TWO MEN STARING AT EACH OTHER UNTIL THEY BECOME UNCOMFORTABLE]

ELIAS  
… Fine. Please avoid excess glitter henceforth. That will be all.

TIM  
(happy as a clam, with potato) Okay boss! Things to see, people to do! 

[DOOR HAPPILY SLAMMING]

[SOUNDS OF A HEAD REPEATEDLY HITTING A KEYBOARD]

\---

INT. HALLWAY, NOT PARTICULARLY BUSY

[SOUNDS OF FOOTSTEPS WALKING, THEN SUDDENLY STOPPING] 

ELIAS  
(in the voice of one being tried beyond reason) Tim. Please explain what you are doing.

TIM  
(surprised, but not dismayed, to be interrupted by his boss) Oh hi Elias! You see, Martin got some kind of splinter from that weird wooden spear in storage …

MARTIN  
(interrupting, in the muffled voice of a man with his face partially covered by another man’s hand) It’s a glaive.

TIM  
Right, that. Anyway, he got a splinter and couldn’t get a hold of it himself …

ELIAS  
(interrupting) Tim. Why are you licking a colleague’s face in the corridor.

TIM  
(cheerful in spite of the circumstances) Well, you see, I couldn’t find the splinter, and the tongue is more sensitive to touch than the hands and is probably better at detecting irregularities, so I thought …

ELIAS  
(once again interrupting) Fine. Fine! If I see you licking a colleague again, I will deduct both mine and their therapy sessions from your paycheck. Now move along, please.

[FOOTSTEPS WALKING QUICKLY AWAY FROM TIM AND MARTIN]

TIM  
(some way away, still cheerful, with the self preservation instincts of an average broccoli) So as long as you don’t see me, it’s fine?

[DOOR SLAMMING VIOLENTLY]

INT. THE OFFICE OF E. BOUCHARD

[SOUNDS OF IMPOTENT BUREAUCRATIC RAGE]

\---

INT. A LARGE LOBBY

[SEVERAL PEOPLE CHATTING AMICABLY, GIGGLING AND CLINKING OF GLASSES]

TIM  
(happily) Hello boss!

[CHOKING SOUNDS, FOLLOWED BY A SHORT COUGHING FIT]

ELIAS  
(hoarsely, vaguely disturbed) What on earth are you wearing?

TIM  
It’s my costume! Isn’t it cool? 

ELIAS  
It certainly must be chilly. And in violation of the dress code. Are you sure that glitter isn’t toxic?

TIM  
(cheerfully) Oh, it’s completely safe! It can even be eaten! Would you like to try?

[IT IS CLEAR THAT TIM IS OFFERING UP SOME BODY PART OR ANOTHER FOR ELIAS TO LICK]

ELIAS  
(vaguely horrified) No thank you. I’m sure there’s something in the employee’s handbook about being required to wear actual clothing in the workplace, rather than a … would you call that a loincloth? And … (obviously and specifically horrified) Have you super glued wings to your back? 

TIM  
(full of joy) Yep! It was the only way to make them stick! And, funnily enough, the employee’s handbook only mention what we are required to wear during office hours! I looked it up and everything. 

[INCOHERENT BOSS NOISES]

TIM  
Anyway! Gotta run along, somehow I ended up with five valentines! I can’t imagine how that might have happened!

[AUDIBLE WINK]

TIM  
Cheerio, boss!

[FOOTSTEPS, WITHOUT SHOES, MOVING AWAY]

[FOOTSTEPS, WITH SHOES, MOVING SLOWLY AWAY AND UP THE STAIRS]

[DOOR SOFTLY OPENING AND CLOSING]

[SOUNDS OF COMPUTER STARTING UP]

[SOUNDS OF SOFT TAPPING ON A KEYBOARD]

ELIAS  
(murmuring) Available management positions … Marks and Spencer …


End file.
